You need to REIGN her in

It's a bit of a long story...

I was so excited about my IP classes last week.  I had zero experience in the area and was really looking forward to our trade negotiation on Friday.  Our class was broken into five separate countries and we were each negotiating for the needs and wants of our countries in an international trade agreement.  I, along with my team, represented Vietnam.  Thursday afternoon’s meeting with the U.S. gave me my first clue as to how Friday morning was going to go.  We sat down to talk about our initial thoughts.   The U.S.’s “prime minister” (we will call him Jake) immediately took over the conversation, demanding attention and clearly wanting to dominate all.  Whatever, it’s fine.  After he spoke for about five minutes solid I started to voice my opinion.   I got about three words in and he cut me off.  I tried again- he cut me off.  I tried again- he cut me off and I said, “Excuse me, I’m not finished.”  He looked right through me and kept talking.  I politely repeated myself and said, “Excuse me.  Excuse me.  Excuse me.  I am not finished and I would like to have the respect of being heard.”  With a nasty smirk on his face, he looked at me like I was the dumbest idiot on the face of the planet and in the most condescending voice he could probably muster said, “listen.  We are not in a ‘role playing’ situation here so you don’t need to act all in your role.” (or something along those lines- I don’t remember exactly).  I firmly said, “I understand we are not in our role playing positions.  But as a PERSON, I have thoughts and feelings and insights that are just as valued as everyone else’s and I deserve the respect of being heard.”  He continued to mock me and I caught my teammate’s eye that seemed to tell me to forget him.  That he didn’t matter and everyone knew this guy was on another planet.  I sat in silence.  5:00 couldn’t come fast enough. 

The next day in negotiations, the rooms were set up by theme: one room for data exclusivity, one for copyright, one for ISDS.  The “Prime Ministers” were supposed to travel from room to room checking in on everyone for their “country” while we were supposed to be negotiating on our topics.  I walked in the room and Jake was there.  Of bloody course he was there.  Immediately he took over the conversation, in his super special smugly condescending way.  His first monologue must have been at least ten minutes.  He came to a point in the conversation that I disagreed with and I said something like, “Well, if you look at it from another perspective-“

Jake interrupted me. “The U.S. doesn’t.”

Me- “okay, well if you look at it-“

Jake, “The U.S doesn’t.”  I can’t even describe to you the look on this guy’s face.  The look said that he was so superior to anyone else in this entire universe and I was just not even a little mignon for his shoe. 

I was frustrated but determined not to let him make me mad.  I tried again.

Me-“I think if you consider-“

Jake, “The U.S. doesn’t.”

I’m not kidding when I say I tried at least ten times to say what I wanted to say before I said, “You know, I would really appreciate the respect of being able to say what I think in this situation.  I don’t appreciate being interrupted every time I try and say something and I believe we all deserve the respect of being heard.  What I think is-“  This guy cut me off again and literally rolled his eyes at me and said, as an authoritative, emotionally abusive father would say to belittle a two year old as best he could, “We already DISCUSSED this YESTERDAY.”  To which I replied, “That’s right.  And YESTERDAY, I said to you that we are ALL a part of this project, and we ALL have thought and feelings and we all have the right to participate.  You need to be respectful of the group and listen to what others have to say- you are putting us all in a very uncomfortable position right now- “  Do you know what this fool said to me?  I crap you not he threw his hands up in the air and said that I needed to stop talking because “I feel threatened by you right now and I don’t appreciate it.  You are threatening me and you need to stop.”  I was thrown aback.  “You are threatened because I want to speak?????”  He said yes.  I said this was ridiculous.  To which he looked at me and laughed and said, “Oh you’re fine.  I’m just F*ing with you.”  Really.  You’re just F*ng with me?  In law school.  At a round table of me and six of our peers?  Funny how you didn’t speak to any of the other men that way or to the ONE other woman who hadn’t spoken yet.  I was DONE.

I stood up and said, “If you can’t be respectful, I’m not doing this.  I’m sorry.”  And I left.  My only regret is that I apologized for leaving- but really my apology was for leaving my teammate there on his own.  There is no way I’m going to sit in a room with someone who purposefully tries to demean me in front of a group of my peers.  I’m not sure I have ever been so angry in my life.  Truly.  The best part, is that after I left, he looked at my teammate and said, “WHO is SHE?  You need to REIGN her in.”  REIGN ME IN?!?!??!  Where the BOMB are you from that that is acceptable?  At that point the room let him have it, is what I was told. 

After a cooling off period and speaking to my professor (see?  There’s my “deliberation” on whether or not to go back in there and pin him up against the wall and write in permanent black marker “I am an ignorant fool” across his smug little forehead), I went back into the room.  But I couldn’t say anything.  For one of the few times in my life, I couldn’t say anything, even though I wanted to.  I wanted to participate in the conversation; I really, really did.  I had a lot to say.  I had been looking forward to Friday ever since I signed up for the class.  But I couldn’t do it.  And I’m mad at myself for that.  And I get that was his point but it’s true.  He got to me.  And I couldn’t shake it.  So for the next hour and a half, I sat in silence, because I was afraid that if I tried to speak my mind, I would be belittled in front of a group of my peers again.  It was a pretty awful feeling- one that I’ve really never had before.  I love conversations where people disagree- in fact, they are some of my favorites.  I love hearing about people’s differing opinions, even if I staunchly disagree.  But to not even be able to SAY what I think???? I’ve never had that happen to me before. 

After a little while, my “Prime Minister” “Nathan” stepped out for a bit and I decided this was ridiculous, that I am a grown woman and I was going to participate.  So started to say what I thought we should do from Vietnam’s perspective.  Jake looked through me and said, “I’m just going to deal with Nathan.” And turned his eyes away from me.  I didn’t even know what to say.  And, honestly?  Where was the backbone of the other men in that room???? I could understand from the other woman’s perspective, because maybe she didn’t want him to do that to her too, but really???  As a man, you’re going to just let that guy talk like that to a woman and not say anything?  I was shocked.  Truly.  Gender roles, blah blah- no one said anything.  And I was shut down.  Again. 

The last straw came for me when we had fifteen minutes left and Jake was saying he was going to take care of an issue later with the copyright team.   I said, “So, I’m not sure if you realize it, but it’s already 12:15 and negotiations are over in fifteen minutes.  I’m not sure if you remember but the prime ministers are supposed to be floating in between the three rooms and you’ve been in here for two hours and fifteen minutes.  I’m a little concerned that we are going to run out of time.  I would suggest that maybe you go let your copyright team know of the decision here that way we don’t get stuck later.”

He finished in a fire of glory, “I don’t NEED any SUGGESTIONS from YOU, thankyouverymuch.”  And turned away. 

I swear to all that is good and holy if I could have breathed fire out of my face I would have seared every last hair off that tightwodded ignorant boy. 

It was a good learning lesson.  I was reminded to be thankful that I don’t live in a place where no one gives a crap about what women have to say.  And I was thankful that I chose to go to a law school where, when I reported his demeaning, condescending, ignorant self to the deans office for violating the student conduct code because he was disrespectful and deliberately interfered with my learning, they were completely supportive. 

To Jake- if you were my son, I would drag your bottom home and give you the biggest consequence of your life; you embarrassed yourself a million times more than you embarrassed me; and I cannot wait for your future employer to find out what an awesome human being you are.