I lied to my daughter today
You know that day when you could swear your child was PMS'ing? Except for she's seven? God help me. Everything I did today was met with a challenge. But let's be honest, in a battle of the wills, few stand a chance against this mother.
"But you SAID we could play at the park for a LONG time."
(Yes, but then YOU chose to read a BOOK on the TOILET for TWENTY MINUTES YOU DISGUSTING CREATURE!). "Yes, I did. But then you made a choice to take twenty five minutes to use the restroom and put your shoes on. There is only so much time in the day."
"But you SAID I could do ONE MORE THING!!"
(Yes, but then your CRAZY SELF decided it would be a FANTASTIC idea to hang yourself upside down on the hanging rings and get stuck for five minutes and then to stand there and tell me story about God only knows what while these stupid bugs fly in my nose!!! I'm not paying attention to anything you are saying- all I want is to stop snorting gnats!! It it too much to ask?!? IS IT?!?!?!) "Yes, I did. And you made your choice when you decided to be an acrobat on the rings. There is only so much time in the day."
"But this isn't the last thing I WAAAAAAANTED to do!!!!"
(I'm sorry, did someone flip you upside down and stick your feet in the holes FOR YOU?!?! Because the last time I checked, that was no one else's bright idea except your own! Now close your pie hole before I lose my ever loving mind!!!). "I'm sorry you are not happy with your choice. See, that is the thing about life. Sometimes, you get ONE choice. Just one. And you already made your decision. "YOU" chose to hang upside down in the rings. No one made that decision for you."
O.m.g. the tears. The pout. Dang, the pout is good. But the fire breathing eyes are even better. They are- dare I say- better than mine were? That's terrifying. Because I have mastered the look of death.
It got even better on the bike ride home. "But I CAAAAAAAAAAAAAN'T peddle on my bike. It's just too HAAAAAAAAARD." (MAYBE IF YOU WHINE ABOUT IT A LITTLE MORE IT WOULD BE EASIER!!!!). "I'm so sorry you are so frustrated and so tired. Perhaps we should just skip dinner then and go straight to bed, shall we?"
After about another half hour of complete and utter self destruction, she comes to the table to eat, in tears. Just an absolute hot, hot mess. "Mommy..... WHAT is this we are having for dinner?" (It is WHATEVER I tell you it is and you will EAT it whether you like it or not or you can just STARVE!!!) "This. Here. Is. A. Salad. It has butter leaves, radishes and a sour cream/lemon/chive dressing." Her face lights up. "Mommy?" She smiles for the first time that day I swear. "Ohmygoshmommy. Are those MY radishes?" Huh? "My radishes!!! The ones that I brought home from school? The ones I was growing in Ms. Robins' class?"
I have never lied to my daughter before. Ever. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Nail Polish Fairy, the Disney Princesses and whatever other Fairy's and Princesses I dream up are real. Period. Outside of that- I believe in honesty. I believed in honesty yesterday when my children DEMANDED specifics on how babies are created and born. And when I say specifics.... well, I mean specifics. I never thought I would pretend to be a sperm running through an apartment, but it happens I suppose. ("OhmygoshmommyGROSS!!!! You DO that?!?! How many times has that HAPPENED to you?!?!?!?!" Omg so awkward.) So I thought about this radishes thing. And I decided to flat out lie. I couldn't handle anymore of this, lest my head explode.
(Are you KIDDING me? The dilapidated scrawny plant stalk you brought me home in JANUARY? The one that DIED ten times over? The one that you INSISTED we continue to water so that it can come back to life? Yeah- somehow it MIRACULOUSLY grew into a four foot tall plant IN OUR LIVING ROOM in our APARTMENT that somehow you just missed growing next to our couch for the last five months. Are you kidding me???)
"YES! Those are the ones! Can you believe it?! You were right! All we had to do was just keep watering them and give them sunshine and they would grow! You are SUCH a genius. I know who to go to when I need plant advice!" They ate the entire salad. Then Colton says, "Mommy! I can't WAIT for my corn plant and my bean plant to grow JUST like Gabriela Catalina's!! When it grows as big as her radish plant, will you please make us another salad?!" Yes. Yes I will.
"But you SAID we could play at the park for a LONG time."
(Yes, but then YOU chose to read a BOOK on the TOILET for TWENTY MINUTES YOU DISGUSTING CREATURE!). "Yes, I did. But then you made a choice to take twenty five minutes to use the restroom and put your shoes on. There is only so much time in the day."
"But you SAID I could do ONE MORE THING!!"
(Yes, but then your CRAZY SELF decided it would be a FANTASTIC idea to hang yourself upside down on the hanging rings and get stuck for five minutes and then to stand there and tell me story about God only knows what while these stupid bugs fly in my nose!!! I'm not paying attention to anything you are saying- all I want is to stop snorting gnats!! It it too much to ask?!? IS IT?!?!?!) "Yes, I did. And you made your choice when you decided to be an acrobat on the rings. There is only so much time in the day."
"But this isn't the last thing I WAAAAAAANTED to do!!!!"
(I'm sorry, did someone flip you upside down and stick your feet in the holes FOR YOU?!?! Because the last time I checked, that was no one else's bright idea except your own! Now close your pie hole before I lose my ever loving mind!!!). "I'm sorry you are not happy with your choice. See, that is the thing about life. Sometimes, you get ONE choice. Just one. And you already made your decision. "YOU" chose to hang upside down in the rings. No one made that decision for you."
O.m.g. the tears. The pout. Dang, the pout is good. But the fire breathing eyes are even better. They are- dare I say- better than mine were? That's terrifying. Because I have mastered the look of death.
It got even better on the bike ride home. "But I CAAAAAAAAAAAAAN'T peddle on my bike. It's just too HAAAAAAAAARD." (MAYBE IF YOU WHINE ABOUT IT A LITTLE MORE IT WOULD BE EASIER!!!!). "I'm so sorry you are so frustrated and so tired. Perhaps we should just skip dinner then and go straight to bed, shall we?"
After about another half hour of complete and utter self destruction, she comes to the table to eat, in tears. Just an absolute hot, hot mess. "Mommy..... WHAT is this we are having for dinner?" (It is WHATEVER I tell you it is and you will EAT it whether you like it or not or you can just STARVE!!!) "This. Here. Is. A. Salad. It has butter leaves, radishes and a sour cream/lemon/chive dressing." Her face lights up. "Mommy?" She smiles for the first time that day I swear. "Ohmygoshmommy. Are those MY radishes?" Huh? "My radishes!!! The ones that I brought home from school? The ones I was growing in Ms. Robins' class?"
I have never lied to my daughter before. Ever. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Nail Polish Fairy, the Disney Princesses and whatever other Fairy's and Princesses I dream up are real. Period. Outside of that- I believe in honesty. I believed in honesty yesterday when my children DEMANDED specifics on how babies are created and born. And when I say specifics.... well, I mean specifics. I never thought I would pretend to be a sperm running through an apartment, but it happens I suppose. ("OhmygoshmommyGROSS!!!! You DO that?!?! How many times has that HAPPENED to you?!?!?!?!" Omg so awkward.) So I thought about this radishes thing. And I decided to flat out lie. I couldn't handle anymore of this, lest my head explode.
(Are you KIDDING me? The dilapidated scrawny plant stalk you brought me home in JANUARY? The one that DIED ten times over? The one that you INSISTED we continue to water so that it can come back to life? Yeah- somehow it MIRACULOUSLY grew into a four foot tall plant IN OUR LIVING ROOM in our APARTMENT that somehow you just missed growing next to our couch for the last five months. Are you kidding me???)
"YES! Those are the ones! Can you believe it?! You were right! All we had to do was just keep watering them and give them sunshine and they would grow! You are SUCH a genius. I know who to go to when I need plant advice!" They ate the entire salad. Then Colton says, "Mommy! I can't WAIT for my corn plant and my bean plant to grow JUST like Gabriela Catalina's!! When it grows as big as her radish plant, will you please make us another salad?!" Yes. Yes I will.
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