Calling Grandpa T
Most of the time, I adore being a mother. My darlings might drive me bonkers and lead me to drink a lot more and run farther distances than I probably would if I had no children, but they truly light up my life in ways nothing else ever has.
There are moments, when I feel like I cannot possibly be a mother. Times when I don't know what to say, what to think, what expression to wear. I believe in showing my emotions to my children... when I am happy, sad, angry, excited, so they are aware of my humanness. But I think that one of the hardest parts, for me, in being a mother, are the moments when I want the world to stop spinning, and I want to sit down, hug my knees to my chest, and just cry... but I can't. Because there are some moments when my children need me to be stronger than I really am.
This past year has been a personal challenge as I have said "goodbye for now" to, among too many others, two great loves of my life: my grandpa just over a year ago, and Milagros, one of my best friends in the entire universe and my angel on earth less than two months ago. The aches in my heart and undialed phone calls are constant bittersweet reminders of the great blessings I have had in my life. So, for me, while Colton and I were along driving him to preschool, today was a true test of being a mommy.
C: "Mommy. What if we cawed Grandpa T's house today?"
Me: "What do you mean?"
C: "Do you think he wood ansa?"
Me: "No, sweetheart. He wouldn't answer."
C: "But why?"
Me: "Because he isn't there sweetheart. Remember?"
C: I see from the rearview mirror he is starting to get upset, but he is holding it together because he knows he is better understood when he doesn't cry. "I know he is in heaven, but I want to TAWK to him. So, can we caw him at his house? Maybe we could heeya his voice?"
Me: "Baby, he isn't there. He is in heaven."
C: ....(silent pause)".... well maybe God wood wet me talk to him...."
Me: (sometimes I don't know what to say...) ".....maybe....." I'm really hoping he becomes distracted by some random food crumb in his car seat...
C: "So can we caw him?"
Me: The thing about kids is that they don't really understand, heck I don't really understand sometimes, things that aren't concrete. "So, Colton? Do you know how Papo and Abuelita are in Texas? If I call them at Nonna's house, they won't answer, because they aren't there. It's kind of the same thing. If we call Grandpa T's house, he won't answer, because he's not there. He is in heaven." I've tried to explain this whole death concept to my kids like how I explain to them people live in other cities.
C: His eyes start to water as he begins to get frustrated with me. "Can you pwease call Grandpa in heaven?"
Me: "Baby.....I don't know his number in heaven. I'm so sorry. If I knew a way for you to talk to Grandpa T in heaven, I would do it for you, you know I would." He takes a thoughtful pause, looking out the window.
C: "Well, maybe we can ask God." His little chin begins to quiver and the tears begin to roll down his beautiful cheeks.
Me: "Maybe we can ask God what?"
C: "God knows evweething. Can we caw God and ask him for Grandpa T's phone numba in heaven?"
Me: "Do you mean like pray? You can pray to God and ask him for anything you like."
C: Exasperated. "NO! I want to CAW him and TAWK to him. On the PHONE. Can you PWEEEEEASE caw God in heaven and ask him for Grandpa T's numba in heaven?" I seriously don't know what to say...he is crying and really upset and just misses his Grandpa.
Me: ".....honey, I don't have God's phone number.... I'm so sorry." He is sniffling and he is sad. And my heart is broken in a million little pieces. For me, for the loves I have lost, and for my boy, who is to little to understand and for his loss of life of a man he desperately loved. And I just want to cry...not only for me, but mostly for him.
C: ".... well.... you could Google it." And then I smile.
Me: "I'll tell you what bud. When we get home, we can absolutely Google God's phone number. I can't promise we will find it, but if we do, we will call. Promise." And then so does he.
There are moments, when I feel like I cannot possibly be a mother. Times when I don't know what to say, what to think, what expression to wear. I believe in showing my emotions to my children... when I am happy, sad, angry, excited, so they are aware of my humanness. But I think that one of the hardest parts, for me, in being a mother, are the moments when I want the world to stop spinning, and I want to sit down, hug my knees to my chest, and just cry... but I can't. Because there are some moments when my children need me to be stronger than I really am.
This photo is courtesy of my gym :)
C: "Mommy. What if we cawed Grandpa T's house today?"
Me: "What do you mean?"
C: "Do you think he wood ansa?"
Me: "No, sweetheart. He wouldn't answer."
C: "But why?"
Me: "Because he isn't there sweetheart. Remember?"
C: I see from the rearview mirror he is starting to get upset, but he is holding it together because he knows he is better understood when he doesn't cry. "I know he is in heaven, but I want to TAWK to him. So, can we caw him at his house? Maybe we could heeya his voice?"
Me: "Baby, he isn't there. He is in heaven."
C: ....(silent pause)".... well maybe God wood wet me talk to him...."
Me: (sometimes I don't know what to say...) ".....maybe....." I'm really hoping he becomes distracted by some random food crumb in his car seat...
C: "So can we caw him?"
Me: The thing about kids is that they don't really understand, heck I don't really understand sometimes, things that aren't concrete. "So, Colton? Do you know how Papo and Abuelita are in Texas? If I call them at Nonna's house, they won't answer, because they aren't there. It's kind of the same thing. If we call Grandpa T's house, he won't answer, because he's not there. He is in heaven." I've tried to explain this whole death concept to my kids like how I explain to them people live in other cities.
C: His eyes start to water as he begins to get frustrated with me. "Can you pwease call Grandpa in heaven?"
Me: "Baby.....I don't know his number in heaven. I'm so sorry. If I knew a way for you to talk to Grandpa T in heaven, I would do it for you, you know I would." He takes a thoughtful pause, looking out the window.
C: "Well, maybe we can ask God." His little chin begins to quiver and the tears begin to roll down his beautiful cheeks.
Me: "Maybe we can ask God what?"
C: "God knows evweething. Can we caw God and ask him for Grandpa T's phone numba in heaven?"
Me: "Do you mean like pray? You can pray to God and ask him for anything you like."
C: Exasperated. "NO! I want to CAW him and TAWK to him. On the PHONE. Can you PWEEEEEASE caw God in heaven and ask him for Grandpa T's numba in heaven?" I seriously don't know what to say...he is crying and really upset and just misses his Grandpa.
Me: ".....honey, I don't have God's phone number.... I'm so sorry." He is sniffling and he is sad. And my heart is broken in a million little pieces. For me, for the loves I have lost, and for my boy, who is to little to understand and for his loss of life of a man he desperately loved. And I just want to cry...not only for me, but mostly for him.
C: ".... well.... you could Google it." And then I smile.
Me: "I'll tell you what bud. When we get home, we can absolutely Google God's phone number. I can't promise we will find it, but if we do, we will call. Promise." And then so does he.
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