Fireday night

I cooked something a few days ago in the oven and whatever it was spilled out in the bottom.  I forgot to clean it before we made some stuff for Gabriela Catalina’s birthday party.  When we were making these little mini quiches, the oven started smoking a little bit and I remembered about the spill.  Since we were running late, I decided I would let the oven cool and I would clean it when we got back. 

Tonight I decided to make some homemade pizza pies.  I had all the dough out and rising and I set out to roast some peppers in the oven.  The stupid oven started smoking again and I realized I had forgotten to clean up the stuff from the bottom. DANG IT.  I went to set a timer on my phone to remind myself to clean it tonight before I went to bed when the fire alarm started going off.  That stupid thing goes off at the SLIGHTEST amount of smoke.  So, I dragged the chair into the hallway, stood on my tippy toes with the tongs reaching as high as I could to turn it off.  That thing is so ridiculous!  But there was a LOT of smoke so I opened the front door to air out everything, calling Chata so I could put her in a different room so she wouldn’t escape. 

But I turned around and there was just SO MUCH smoke.  What the heck???  I go into the kitchen and that’s when I see it- there’s a fire in the oven.  Not like a tiny little spark.  Like… a real fire.  I kind of start to panic.  I turn the oven off and kind of wait for a second.  Is it going to go away?  I don’t know, I don’t know!  No… its definitely not going away.  Omg omg what do I do? What do I do?  Is it… is it getting bigger?  Yeah its definitely getting bigger.  CRA-AP!!  Maybe if I open the oven door it will die down? 

I open the oven door and WHOOSH!!!  The fire screams out at me (way to fuel the fire in your moment of panic genius!!) and I jumped back.  OMG I’m going to burn down the entire apartment building!  I have visions of pieces of wall exploding, having to pay fines for the rest of my life…oh no, oh noooooo….  I grabbed my phone.  Do I call 911?  Is this appropriate?  Does this constitute a REAL emergency?  I think my cabinets are going to light on fire, the flames lapping out, seeming to grow by the second.  I start calling 911 with one hand and preparing my fire extinguisher with the other.  I’m so freaking out it takes me like 10 times to comprehend the two directions: pull pin and squeeze.  Why do they make this so complicated?!?!?!?! I shoot the fire but there’s so much smoke and white powder and panic that I am going to kill everyone in my building that I can’t tell if I got the whole fire out or not.

“911 please state your emergency.”

“Yeah, hi.  I kind of lit my kitchen on fire?  I think I got all of it out but I’m kind of not sure.  Am I supposed to call you about this?  What do you want me to do?  There may or may not be fire behind the oven but I can’t see.”

“Ma’am please get out of your house and we will be right there.”

I turn around to face my butt naked children who had been playing dress up.  “We have to go NOW.”  (“But I can’t find my shoes!  Where’s my coat??”  “I don’t know!! Just put THOSE shoes on RIGHT there- grab the coat that is RIGHT BY YOUR FEET and let’s go!  CHATA WHERE ARE YOU?!”)  Now Colton is crying because he is only in his skivvys and he’s worried Chata is going to burn alive in the house because we can’t find her and I insist she probably escaped through the door when I opened it and that we won’t find her dead somewhere in the apt.  We throw on a pair of crocs for Colton, stuffing him naked into his snow suit as I am walking him out the door, wrapping him in Ben’s fleece because its 30 degrees outside and we are so indecent.   Meanwhile my daughter is wearing some halter hoochie dress of mine from high school- we are like God’s gift to hot messes.

Turns out, in the midst of my panic, Chata- dumb as some of you all thought she was- ran across the quad to our neighbor’s house and scratched at her door until she answered and was in the process of bringing her over to our apartment when we walked out. 

“You guys okay?” she asks.

“Hi.  I’m Kiki- these are my kids- and dog.  I am kind of having a potential emergency maybe?  I sort of lit my kitchen on fire and the fire department is coming to make sure I don’t kill anyone.  Can we come over?”

“Absolutely!”  So, we meet our new neighbors… and the fire department…. And the rest of our apartment management team.  Mortified does not even begin to explain J

After this little ordeal, we go to the Olive Garden to eat and drink, picking up Ben on the way.

“Hi, I’m Colin.  I’ll be serving you today.  Are we celebrating anything special tonight? Or just here for a Friday night?”  I chuckle, a little out loud.  Is not burning anyone to death celebratory?

“Owa house is bwoken.” Colton explains dead serious.

“I’m sorry… what little guy?” Colin asks.

“Dere was a fiya.  In my howas.”  I turn a little red.  “It’s okay, its no big deal,” I explain.

“Oh my gosh, did everyone get out okay?”

“Yeah, we are all fine, just a little dramatic, just a tiny little fire, no big deal.”

Colton raises his arms high and spreads them as far as they will go.  “It was a BIIIIIIIIIG fiya.  Da fiyamen came.  Dere was wots of smoke.  We called 911.”  I start sinking in my chair.  Gabriela Catalina pipes in, “Mommy was cooking!!!” Omg just bury me.  Colton’s eyes enlarged and brightened.  “Da fiya got bigga an bigga and we had to weave da howas naked.”  “Colton- you were not naked!”  “And my dog, Chata, she had to go get da neighbuhs fowa hewp.”  This was by far, the most exciting night in my children’s lives ever.

I thought I could not turn any darker red until the manager came by a few minutes later.  “I heard you guys had quite the evening tonight!”  Colton retells the story in all his speech impediment glory.  “Well, sorry we can’t help you with your kitchen, but here’s a gift card on us- enjoy your dinner.”  Well, at least there’s some perk to flame.

I swear.  I honestly don’t know how I have made it through life thus far.  It is by the grace of God alone that I have not singed every hair on my body, severed limbs or destroyed a small country.  Lol… but alas… I suppose tomorrow is another day… J