My First and Only Turkey

November 24, 2013

My First and Only Turkey

My First and Last Turkey

I was feeling kind of bad for Ben. I mean, yes, we are used to him not being around. Residency was a traumatic experience for all of us but we know life of a hard working daddy. But, let's be honest. We've gotten used to... and kind of like... Ben being around this year. Whereas in year's past, I didn't think twice about spending a holiday not at home, this year is different. He is actually off on Thanksgiving Day... but is operating late Wednesday night and early Friday morning, so he can't go anywhere. I felt bad. So, on Friday morning, I decided I would make my man a Thanksgiving for Saturday.

No one ever told me it takes DAYS to thaw a turkey in the fridge.

I seriously had no idea. But, as it turns out, you can thaw a turkey by changing out a cold water soak every thirty minutes. I just told Ben he was not allowed to go in the kitchen. At 11 pm on Friday night, that turkey was ready to be seasoned. I began reading the instructions past the "thaw for at least three or four days" part.

No one ever told me there was a bag of giblets inside.

I seriously had no idea. Much like when Milagros brought me shrimp with eyes...there are just some things I choose not to think about. Giblets are one of them. It's okay though. I didn't have to reach far in to get them out and immediately toss them in the trash. Deep breath. Next step.

No one ever told me you have to PHYSICALLY REMOVE A NECK FROM THE TURKEY.

I seriously had no idea. Omg. "Reach inside the turkey and remove the neck from the body cavity." Seriously? Omg... I'm going to vomit. I can do this. I can do this. I lifted the flap of skin and then turned away so I didn't vomit on it. Omg so gross. So, so gross. I got some plastic bags and put my hands inside it. This should help. I grabbed, what I thought was the neck (according to the answer to my google search) and started to pull. Omg omg omg I could feel these little bones crackling. This was really hard! This cannot be right. And now I am picturing this poor little turkey who was once running free in an open field playing with his little turkey friends, singing songs, and now I am trying to rip his little neck out. I had to stop, sanitize myself, and go think about throwing up. I came back and tried again. And again. And again.

Then I texted Sam, the king of turkeys. I did not care that it was 3 am. That's right. 3 AM!!! Because I had to keep stopping so as not to stuff it with my own homemade stuffing from my belly! TWO HOURS of this!! SOMEONE needed to share in my misery. This is disgusting.

I go back to the turkey, cursing it and its poor little neck under my breath. I almost cry its so gross. If there is one thing you can say about me though... I have a stubbornness like nothing you have ever seen. I'm getting that neck out so help me God.

By this point, there's like.... turkey juice everywhere. EV-A-RY-WHERE. I'm going to vomit. Then I realize I never "released the feet from the plastic." I tried again to release those d* feet and they finally pop out. I'm looking inside this blessed turkey trying to find what they are talking about- I turn the thing upside down and then it plops. The neck. Gaaaaaaaag. Ugh. I threw that away so fast you don't even know what just happened. I was seriously sweating. From grossness. Before I could go on, I had to throw everything away and Lysol everything and wash everything. Everything. Had to change my clothes, Lysol my face....uuuuuggghhhhh..... it was like I was breathing NECK.

It was all downhill from there. Thank you Lord for google and allrecipes.com. And for helping me to not vomit inside the body cavity of a turkey.

So, from the time I left to go to the grocery store, until Ben came home to his Thanksgiving Surprise, was 26 hours. Not bad for a first full out thanksgiving complete with turkey, green bean casserole, sweet potato casserole, mashed potatoes, homemade cranberry sauce, biscuits, gravy, macaroni and Italian gravy and a stick of pepperoni. It is not a true thanksgiving if there is no pepperoni.

This? This right here? This is the definition of love. But it was a one time expression in this way of love. I will never. Never. NE-VER. Take anything out of a turkey again, so help me God.

(but yes it was perfect and delicious)