First Day Jitters

I have always been a little bit nervous about starting law school.  I’d like to think I’d be a fool not to be- it makes me feel better.  However, yesterday, relaxing in the pool with my family, it suddenly dawned on me.  I don’t have any pens!  Or highlighters!  Or paper!  OMG!!  How am I supposed to learn without pens, highlighters and PAPER?!  Slight panic set in.  I had my backpack and my first day of school outfit- I mean, really, what else did I need?  It’s been too long!

I sent a panicked text to my father in law, God bless him, who was happy to bring me back my desperately needed supplies.  He told me the first notebook he picked up was red, but then thought that since I was starting law school and was going to now be… what was the word he used?  Depressed? Morose?  Something of that nature, that he figured I would want black.  It’s true; I did want the black. 

Feeling better about my new treasures, the rest of the day went as always.  Then it came time to put my babies to bed.  That was hard.  Really hard.  I don’t know if this semester I’ll have time for cuddles and kisses; for one more song five times over; to find Ruff Ruff, Hello Kitty, Ballerina Baby Hello Kitty, Snoopy, Cuddly Bear and Nicholas.  I don’t know. 

On the plane ride home today, after I had officially hung up my hat as a stay at home mom, I was not as excited as I am the rare occasions I fly childless.  It seemed… sad.  I hadn’t walked around the bookstore, perusing the trashy magazines.  I thought about my kids and what they were doing and if they were having fun at their 6/4/3/1/0 birthday party (the ages all the kids turned since last summer- my in laws are crazy- since all the cousins can’t be together at every birthday, every summer they throw a huge party in all their honor- its over the top ridiculous, in the most amazing way). 

As the plane began to land, I started having a mini panic attack about the whole thing.  What if I get hungry in class?  Can I eat?  I’ve eaten whenever I’ve wanted for six years!  Do professors frown on that?  What if I’m thirsty?  Gasp!  What if I have to use the ladies’ room?  Do I raise my hand?  Hold up one finger or two?  

My chest begins to tighten.  Cripes.  I only realized yesterday I had no note taking supplies.  What ELSE did I not think of?  A lunch box?  Dough.  I definitely need a lunch box.  Totally going to borrow my six year old’s.  Yup, Hello Kitty it is.  What if I can’t find my classroom?  What if my kids forget me? 

The plane begins to sway with wind. 

What if someone steals my bike?  How am I going to get home?  What if my kids love my nanny more than me?  What if they don’t?  What if I get tired in class?  Can I give my professor the ipad and put on a thirty minute show and say: I’m going to take 30 minutes to myself.  Stay right there and don’t move.  If you need to go out of the room to get anything, tell me.  If you promise not to move until this show is over, I’ll give you a cookie.- Will that work? 

The plane starts to shake.  My hands tighten on the arm rest.  OMG.  I’m going to die.  The plane is going to crash and I am going to dissolve.  Of course my plane is going to crash the day before I start law school.  Of bloody course.  And my children will be motherless and then there will be this tuition bill that gets sent to no where. 

My throat begins to close up.  I am honestly having a hard time getting in air.  No, wait, I’m not going to die of a plane crash.  I’m going to die of a panic attack.  Right here on this plane.  This guy next to me is going to freak out when I start foaming at the mouth and keel over in the aisle.  Oh this ought to be good.   The teenager a few seats over will record it and put me on youtube.  Greeeeat.  If I’m going to die, I should at least be able to do it with dignity.

Now I’m nauseous from the turbulence- a legit thing for me.  Aaaand I’m sweating. Cripes its hot.  I can’t breathe, I’m going to vomit and I’m going to catch on fire and we are all going to die.  I rip my sweatshirt off and throw my hair back in a bun because I feel that delicious homemade taco rising up.  I’m “glowing” now we’ll call it- no, forget that, dripping stinky sweat because I haaaaate to get sick on the plane and I am WILLING my lunch to stay down. 

I close my eyes and in a nanosecond of clarity realize I have completely lost my mind.  Completely. Lostit.  I mentally slap myself across the face- once on the left side, once on the right.  I yell to myself, “Get it together woman!”  I take a deep breath  and remember… it’s just another night before the first day of school.   I remember now why I always hated August.