My Holistic Spa Experience Thoughts
This is weird. No shoes? But I have to wear these other shoes that don’t belong to me? Are they clean? Have they been sanitized? I hope they haven’t been “sanitized” like the nail equipment at that nail salon in San Antonio where they “disinfected” the nail equipment with a knock off version of Windex most likely bought in a back alley from a gypsy.
“Hi, how are you? Yes I have an 8:30 appointment, thank you.” I smile because I can’t really understand what in the world this chick is saying to me, but I do notice the “suggested tip” amount listed on the counter for the varying levels of groupon purchases. $25?!?! Are you kidding me? They are suggesting a $25 TIP???? This is ridiculous. Only in New York could you even suggest an overcharge such as this. Here- why don’t you just take my debit card and dip into my account whenever you choose? Twenty five dollars. I’ll consider giving $10. Can I give $10 or will they put my name on a black list so I can’t purchase any more groupons? I curse you New York (okay, not really but still!!!)
I gather I am supposed to follow her down the hallway. Why is this chick wearing rolled up sweatpants? Don’t get me wrong, I am a humongo fan of sweatpants. If I could buy stock in them, especially worn out holy ones, I would. But at work? In the Upper East Side? Hot damn I am a snob. Seriously what is happening to me? Ugh. I disgust myself. They are just sweat pants.
Okay..I’m sorry…. What is this chick saying to me? Oh- okay, leave undergarments on, robe on top to go in the sauna. Really? Why didn’t they tell me to bring a bathing suit? Seriously, a bathing suit would have been much better. Now I am going to sit in there and get a little sweaty and then have to put on my clean clothes on top of my dirty ones when I leave. Dirty and clean clothes do NOT go together. Dirty and dirty-yes. Dirty and clean- no. I have standards.
I step into the sauna and there is another chick already in there. Meditating. Well crap. I need to fix my hair and adjust my robe but I don’t want to disturb this lady. This is so awkward. But now I have to! I've only been in here 20 seconds I’m sweating like a pony being ridden by a sumo wrestler and my hair is really bothering me! This is so loud. Can she hear my thoughts? Because they are screaming at me. I adjust and feel better. Ahhh… maybe I will meditate like this chicky. I close my eyes and take a deep breath through my nose. Jumping fricking monkey butter! I think I just singed all the nose hair I own and that of the rest of my unborn children! Who in the crap ever thought this would be a good idea? I seriously can’t even breath it is so unbelieveably sweltering in here. How in the world is this chick relaxed over there? I’m not so discreetly staring at her through the slits of my barely opened eyes. She’s totally breathing through her nose! How does she DO that? Jimminy Johnson is hot in here. Omg. What if this is a plot? What if someone comes by and locks me in here? I will fry! Seriously. Is this a plan to sabotage me? How in the world will I get out? Omg. Having a panic attack. Okay, well, I guess I could take one of these towels and grab a stone from the fire thing and throw it through the glass door to escape. Yes, that’s how I’ll do it. Relax, just relax, and for the love of God do NOT breath through your nose again.
I really want to lay down in here. Can I do that? The Dali Lama over there is still sitting so I don't know if I am allowed to. I’ll just pretend I’m in Florida, on the beach, getting a sun tan. I wonder if those are UV lights and I’m really tanning at the same time? Now, see there’s a good business idea. Tanning in a sauna. Two birds with one stone. Clearly I am thinking too much. This really defeats the purpose. The zen chick lays down so now I know its socially acceptable to do so. But wait, then am I sauna stalking her? Does she feel uncomfortable that I’m copying her? I feel uncomfortable that I am but I just don’t know what to do with myself. I lay down and cover my eyes with my arm to get the full “I’m at the beach by myself” effect. I look at my watch. Only four minutes have passed by. No fricking way will I last in here 30 minutes. I'm not a quitter, but good God. I tap out.
“Excuse me? Um, I can’t be in there any longer. I think I will die. Can I please take a shower now?” I step into my “herbal shower experience”. Lol. Oh, its herbal all right. VO5 herbal shampoo and conditioner with Suave rainforest bodywash. You’ve got to be kidding me. I'm not really sure what I envisioned when I saw "herbal shower experience" but this certainly wasn't it. Raining marijuana leaves perhaps? I don't know. People pay $125 for this??? I’m opening a spa experience in my apartment. $200. It will be a chocolate spa where you wash with varieties of chocolate batter that I buy for 2 cents. What the crap man, what the crap. Well, there is something to be said for taking a shower where no little small person opens the curtain and says, “Boo!” so I’m happy.
I go in for my massage. I look at the table on which I am to lie down. Interesting. There is a paper with slits covering the face hole. I am about to stick my face in the bowl of a public toilet. I’m terrified. I double check underneath first to make sure this isn’t a trick to give me a cruel swirly. Whew. All good. I take the plunge. The teeny tiny Asian chick with sweatpants comes in and tells me her name is Iaya. Okay, thanks for sharing. I take my head out of the bowl and stare, unsure what is happening at this point. “I’m going to give you massage now. You have problem area?” Oh for the love of God. There is no point in telling her I have “problem area” because from the looks of her, there is no way this girl is going to be able to fix anything. Man! Why do I always get these weaklings! She asks if I am ready and then, get this, climbs up on the table and straddles me. Straddles me! Where in the heck am I? I am so unbelievable uncomfortable I can’t even describe to you. And then she starts to rub my back. And I’m talking rub, like how you would rub the queen mother’s china with steel wool. This is a total waste of my time. I consider asking her to apply more pressure, or just leave all together, but I hold back.
It’s a darn good thing I did. I don’t know from where the strength of this pipsqueak came but her inner beast was released. I truly believe she had read my mind and unleashed the fury. It was aweeeeeesome. I seriously immediately regret every negative thought I had had and decided right then and there she was getting the suggested tip. I will say though… I would NOT recommend the head massage at the end. I’m not sure why she did this, but she literally stuck her fingers all the way in my ears and pulled my soul up and out through my brain. It is now three days later and I can still feel her fingers in there. By the time I realized what was happening to me, it was too late and she was done. Note to self- do not let people go near ears.
“Hi, how are you? Yes I have an 8:30 appointment, thank you.” I smile because I can’t really understand what in the world this chick is saying to me, but I do notice the “suggested tip” amount listed on the counter for the varying levels of groupon purchases. $25?!?! Are you kidding me? They are suggesting a $25 TIP???? This is ridiculous. Only in New York could you even suggest an overcharge such as this. Here- why don’t you just take my debit card and dip into my account whenever you choose? Twenty five dollars. I’ll consider giving $10. Can I give $10 or will they put my name on a black list so I can’t purchase any more groupons? I curse you New York (okay, not really but still!!!)
I gather I am supposed to follow her down the hallway. Why is this chick wearing rolled up sweatpants? Don’t get me wrong, I am a humongo fan of sweatpants. If I could buy stock in them, especially worn out holy ones, I would. But at work? In the Upper East Side? Hot damn I am a snob. Seriously what is happening to me? Ugh. I disgust myself. They are just sweat pants.
Okay..I’m sorry…. What is this chick saying to me? Oh- okay, leave undergarments on, robe on top to go in the sauna. Really? Why didn’t they tell me to bring a bathing suit? Seriously, a bathing suit would have been much better. Now I am going to sit in there and get a little sweaty and then have to put on my clean clothes on top of my dirty ones when I leave. Dirty and clean clothes do NOT go together. Dirty and dirty-yes. Dirty and clean- no. I have standards.
I step into the sauna and there is another chick already in there. Meditating. Well crap. I need to fix my hair and adjust my robe but I don’t want to disturb this lady. This is so awkward. But now I have to! I've only been in here 20 seconds I’m sweating like a pony being ridden by a sumo wrestler and my hair is really bothering me! This is so loud. Can she hear my thoughts? Because they are screaming at me. I adjust and feel better. Ahhh… maybe I will meditate like this chicky. I close my eyes and take a deep breath through my nose. Jumping fricking monkey butter! I think I just singed all the nose hair I own and that of the rest of my unborn children! Who in the crap ever thought this would be a good idea? I seriously can’t even breath it is so unbelieveably sweltering in here. How in the world is this chick relaxed over there? I’m not so discreetly staring at her through the slits of my barely opened eyes. She’s totally breathing through her nose! How does she DO that? Jimminy Johnson is hot in here. Omg. What if this is a plot? What if someone comes by and locks me in here? I will fry! Seriously. Is this a plan to sabotage me? How in the world will I get out? Omg. Having a panic attack. Okay, well, I guess I could take one of these towels and grab a stone from the fire thing and throw it through the glass door to escape. Yes, that’s how I’ll do it. Relax, just relax, and for the love of God do NOT breath through your nose again.
I really want to lay down in here. Can I do that? The Dali Lama over there is still sitting so I don't know if I am allowed to. I’ll just pretend I’m in Florida, on the beach, getting a sun tan. I wonder if those are UV lights and I’m really tanning at the same time? Now, see there’s a good business idea. Tanning in a sauna. Two birds with one stone. Clearly I am thinking too much. This really defeats the purpose. The zen chick lays down so now I know its socially acceptable to do so. But wait, then am I sauna stalking her? Does she feel uncomfortable that I’m copying her? I feel uncomfortable that I am but I just don’t know what to do with myself. I lay down and cover my eyes with my arm to get the full “I’m at the beach by myself” effect. I look at my watch. Only four minutes have passed by. No fricking way will I last in here 30 minutes. I'm not a quitter, but good God. I tap out.
“Excuse me? Um, I can’t be in there any longer. I think I will die. Can I please take a shower now?” I step into my “herbal shower experience”. Lol. Oh, its herbal all right. VO5 herbal shampoo and conditioner with Suave rainforest bodywash. You’ve got to be kidding me. I'm not really sure what I envisioned when I saw "herbal shower experience" but this certainly wasn't it. Raining marijuana leaves perhaps? I don't know. People pay $125 for this??? I’m opening a spa experience in my apartment. $200. It will be a chocolate spa where you wash with varieties of chocolate batter that I buy for 2 cents. What the crap man, what the crap. Well, there is something to be said for taking a shower where no little small person opens the curtain and says, “Boo!” so I’m happy.
I go in for my massage. I look at the table on which I am to lie down. Interesting. There is a paper with slits covering the face hole. I am about to stick my face in the bowl of a public toilet. I’m terrified. I double check underneath first to make sure this isn’t a trick to give me a cruel swirly. Whew. All good. I take the plunge. The teeny tiny Asian chick with sweatpants comes in and tells me her name is Iaya. Okay, thanks for sharing. I take my head out of the bowl and stare, unsure what is happening at this point. “I’m going to give you massage now. You have problem area?” Oh for the love of God. There is no point in telling her I have “problem area” because from the looks of her, there is no way this girl is going to be able to fix anything. Man! Why do I always get these weaklings! She asks if I am ready and then, get this, climbs up on the table and straddles me. Straddles me! Where in the heck am I? I am so unbelievable uncomfortable I can’t even describe to you. And then she starts to rub my back. And I’m talking rub, like how you would rub the queen mother’s china with steel wool. This is a total waste of my time. I consider asking her to apply more pressure, or just leave all together, but I hold back.
It’s a darn good thing I did. I don’t know from where the strength of this pipsqueak came but her inner beast was released. I truly believe she had read my mind and unleashed the fury. It was aweeeeeesome. I seriously immediately regret every negative thought I had had and decided right then and there she was getting the suggested tip. I will say though… I would NOT recommend the head massage at the end. I’m not sure why she did this, but she literally stuck her fingers all the way in my ears and pulled my soul up and out through my brain. It is now three days later and I can still feel her fingers in there. By the time I realized what was happening to me, it was too late and she was done. Note to self- do not let people go near ears.
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