Women and Body Shaming
I was frustrated today. Really, really frustrated. I met with my friend Danielle up at our pool this morning- she was having a playdate with one of her friends, we will call her Ann, and invited me to join. It's been a real struggle to get up off the couch these past two weeks and, with classes starting next week, I figure I better figure out how to do life again. I'm on this new medication that, while I don't feel like barfing 24/7- a real plus in life- I can't eat that much (there's only so many times you can give in to that $24 Lobster Mac N' Cheese from Capital Grill craving.....)- and it makes me so ungodly tired its all I can do to get up and put on deodorant. Seriously.
I have had a very hard time being around Danielle- its no one's fault, it just is what it is. When you find out you are pregnant on the same day and have the same due date as your best friend in the building and then you lose your baby and have to watch her belly grow and meet her new son- its a challenge. I feel so lucky that she has been as compassionate and understanding. I have been in the middle of conversations with her and just said- "I'm sorry. I can't be around you anymore today." And she hugs me and I leave. I have missed her. But sometimes I just can't do it. Most the time, I can't do it. But today I could.
So I took my kids up to the pool and met Ann with my Building Bestie. The first thing Ann started talking about was how she felt disgusting- she is six months pregnant. I get it. Your body changes, you feel gross, your body does gross things. We should support and encourage one another. But keep in mind, I have a daughter who is within earshot of you- and a son as well. And they are learning about the world and the way you describe your body is something they absorb. The word "FAT" is a four letter word in our house- and I will tell you such if you use it in front of my children. You can say you feel unhealthy because you didn't eat enough vegetables- or you can say that you feel sluggish because you have not exercised today. But what you WON'T say, in my house, is that you are FAT. Because guess what? That's simply your opinion and you probably aren't and that is what society tries to get you to believe and I'm just not getting on that train. I refuse.
I sympathized with her for about two minutes and then I kind of tuned her out. I don't like being a part of pregnant conversations. I don't ever think I will be again- its not her fault, its not something I want to announce. I just politely pretend they don't exist. But I *especially* don't like being a part of body shaming conversations. There is simply no reason to have them. Who decides what the "perfect body" looks like? Guess what? There isn't one. Further- the body you are in is the only one you are ever going to have so you might as well learn to love it. Some people will say women who wear a size 0 are too skinny- why do you even care??? Some people will say women who wear a size 18 are not skinny enough- again, why do we care??? Why have women turned to other women's opinions on what beauty looks like to determine self worth?
What I wanted to say was this: Perfect? Perfect? Tell me how perfect my last pregnancy was wherein my baby died and I took a final three days later- with it still sitting in my innards. Tell me how perfectly that went. Tell me how we thought everything was over and done with but come to find out that baby wouldn't leave my body for another three months. Tell me- how perfect is that? Tell me how perfect is it that even though my baby's heart had stopped beating and my baby stopped growing, that my body still thought it was pregnant so my belly continued to grow (don't even ask how that happened- it still blows my mind) and people I didn't even know smiled and asked me when I was due? How perfect is that?
How perfect is it, for you, that I haven't eaten in two weeks outside of half of a dinner and toast for breakfast because if I eat anything more than that I will barf it up everywhere? Is that perfect enough for you? How perfect is it for you that I am registered for 17 credits this semester, classes start in five days and I have only read for ONE class because I am so tired I cannot read to comprehend more than two pages at a time? Tell me, wise one. How perfect is that for you???
But I didn't say any of those things. I smiled and I simply said, "I think its important to remember that we all have our things we worry about." And I simply left it at that.
Can we just stop? Can we just stop assuming that someone else's life is perfect? It's not, okay? Its really, really not. No, I might not gain an insane amount of weight when I get pregnant and you might. Guess what that means? That means that you get to eat whereas I don't- AND I LIKE TO EAT. And no- since you asked me (she actually asked)- I do NOT think its appropriate to stop eating ON PURPOSE when you are pregnant because you don't like the way your thighs look. Seriously? SERIOUSLY??
Get over it. Get over if you don't like the way you look in your pants. Either get some new pants, go to the gym, or learn to love yourself. Nobody can do that for you. And, I promise- you are the ONLY person who is finding flaws in your body. No one else is even looking. They simply aren't. You just aren't that important to the world. No- I didn't notice the "cottage cheese on your thighs" and quite frankly I am quite uncomfortable that you are asking me to judge you that way- I simply won't do it.
Stop comparing yourself to other women- no, they don't have it better than you. They just have it DIFFERENT than you.
Go stand in front of that mirror and tell yourself how beautiful you are. Because, quite frankly, you are.
I have had a very hard time being around Danielle- its no one's fault, it just is what it is. When you find out you are pregnant on the same day and have the same due date as your best friend in the building and then you lose your baby and have to watch her belly grow and meet her new son- its a challenge. I feel so lucky that she has been as compassionate and understanding. I have been in the middle of conversations with her and just said- "I'm sorry. I can't be around you anymore today." And she hugs me and I leave. I have missed her. But sometimes I just can't do it. Most the time, I can't do it. But today I could.
So I took my kids up to the pool and met Ann with my Building Bestie. The first thing Ann started talking about was how she felt disgusting- she is six months pregnant. I get it. Your body changes, you feel gross, your body does gross things. We should support and encourage one another. But keep in mind, I have a daughter who is within earshot of you- and a son as well. And they are learning about the world and the way you describe your body is something they absorb. The word "FAT" is a four letter word in our house- and I will tell you such if you use it in front of my children. You can say you feel unhealthy because you didn't eat enough vegetables- or you can say that you feel sluggish because you have not exercised today. But what you WON'T say, in my house, is that you are FAT. Because guess what? That's simply your opinion and you probably aren't and that is what society tries to get you to believe and I'm just not getting on that train. I refuse.
I sympathized with her for about two minutes and then I kind of tuned her out. I don't like being a part of pregnant conversations. I don't ever think I will be again- its not her fault, its not something I want to announce. I just politely pretend they don't exist. But I *especially* don't like being a part of body shaming conversations. There is simply no reason to have them. Who decides what the "perfect body" looks like? Guess what? There isn't one. Further- the body you are in is the only one you are ever going to have so you might as well learn to love it. Some people will say women who wear a size 0 are too skinny- why do you even care??? Some people will say women who wear a size 18 are not skinny enough- again, why do we care??? Why have women turned to other women's opinions on what beauty looks like to determine self worth?
Have you ever thought- man this woman knows how to potty train her kids like a champ- or, man, that physician really nailed that weird rash my kid had- or, wow, that lady in the grocery store was so nice- or, holy smokes, did you see the way that lawyer argued that case?! Those are life things that actually matter.
I wanted to slap this woman. At one point I actually sat on my hand so it didn't fly out.
The entire playdate this woman talked about her body. The way she hated it. The way she was disgusted by it. Mind you- this was a beautiful woman. Could she really not talk about ANYTHING else this entire playdate? She was driving me insane. Did she have NOTHING else about herself that was amazing that she could talk about? I guarantee you that her husband thinks she is the most beautiful woman on the planet. Why- why this need to bash herself constantly and in front of other people?
At one point, it was so uncomfortable, my friend Danielle felt the need to point out that she herself had a vein in her leg. Omg I wanted to smack her for participating. I later told her such.
I am from Florida. People from Florida don't wear clothes, unless we have to. It's just a thing. Its so insanely hot that you just get by wearing as little as possible. People don't wear bikini's because they think they look hot- people wear bikini's because why on earth would you wear extra clothing when you don't have to? When you go to the beach in South Florida- EVERYONE is wearing a bikini- from the two year old, to the 86 year old (yup, my Grandma wears a two piece and I love her for it), from the size 0 to the size 24. Know why? BECAUSE NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE.
It came out in this conversation that I am pregnant (no this is not my big announcement- that will be later when I feel at least 20% sure this one's heart doesn't stop beating so calm down and do not congratulate me).
Her mouth dropped open. She says, "O.M.G. Are you SERIOUS?" She looked me up and down in my bikini. "But HOW far along are you?"
I told her it was still very early, just 8 weeks. She rolled her eyes. Actually rolled her eyes. "But you're so.... FIT." Yes, yes I am. I get up, every day at 5am and I work out. Every day. Why? Because I like it. I like the aggression. I like pushing myself. I like competing with myself. It makes me happier. I am a better wife, a better mother, a better friend, a much better law student- I am all around a better person for it. Plus- we know I like chips. And my God you cannot eat the quantity of chips I eat and not work out everyday- I would seriously have a heart attack.
I didn't know what to say- so I just smiled and said thank you.
Then- THEN- she said, "I just HATE women like you who look like you and who have perfect pregnancies. It's disgusting."
Jesus Christ. Yeah- she went there. If you have ever met me you know that I can do a great many things- holding my tongue never has been, nor ever will be one of them. It was only by sheer miracle that I uttered not a word. My mouth literally hung open and for probably the only time in my life, no words came out.
I disgust you? YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME.
I wanted to slap this woman. At one point I actually sat on my hand so it didn't fly out.
The entire playdate this woman talked about her body. The way she hated it. The way she was disgusted by it. Mind you- this was a beautiful woman. Could she really not talk about ANYTHING else this entire playdate? She was driving me insane. Did she have NOTHING else about herself that was amazing that she could talk about? I guarantee you that her husband thinks she is the most beautiful woman on the planet. Why- why this need to bash herself constantly and in front of other people?
At one point, it was so uncomfortable, my friend Danielle felt the need to point out that she herself had a vein in her leg. Omg I wanted to smack her for participating. I later told her such.
I am from Florida. People from Florida don't wear clothes, unless we have to. It's just a thing. Its so insanely hot that you just get by wearing as little as possible. People don't wear bikini's because they think they look hot- people wear bikini's because why on earth would you wear extra clothing when you don't have to? When you go to the beach in South Florida- EVERYONE is wearing a bikini- from the two year old, to the 86 year old (yup, my Grandma wears a two piece and I love her for it), from the size 0 to the size 24. Know why? BECAUSE NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE.
It came out in this conversation that I am pregnant (no this is not my big announcement- that will be later when I feel at least 20% sure this one's heart doesn't stop beating so calm down and do not congratulate me).
Her mouth dropped open. She says, "O.M.G. Are you SERIOUS?" She looked me up and down in my bikini. "But HOW far along are you?"
I told her it was still very early, just 8 weeks. She rolled her eyes. Actually rolled her eyes. "But you're so.... FIT." Yes, yes I am. I get up, every day at 5am and I work out. Every day. Why? Because I like it. I like the aggression. I like pushing myself. I like competing with myself. It makes me happier. I am a better wife, a better mother, a better friend, a much better law student- I am all around a better person for it. Plus- we know I like chips. And my God you cannot eat the quantity of chips I eat and not work out everyday- I would seriously have a heart attack.
I didn't know what to say- so I just smiled and said thank you.
Then- THEN- she said, "I just HATE women like you who look like you and who have perfect pregnancies. It's disgusting."
Jesus Christ. Yeah- she went there. If you have ever met me you know that I can do a great many things- holding my tongue never has been, nor ever will be one of them. It was only by sheer miracle that I uttered not a word. My mouth literally hung open and for probably the only time in my life, no words came out.
I disgust you? YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME.
What I wanted to say was this: Perfect? Perfect? Tell me how perfect my last pregnancy was wherein my baby died and I took a final three days later- with it still sitting in my innards. Tell me how perfectly that went. Tell me how we thought everything was over and done with but come to find out that baby wouldn't leave my body for another three months. Tell me- how perfect is that? Tell me how perfect is it that even though my baby's heart had stopped beating and my baby stopped growing, that my body still thought it was pregnant so my belly continued to grow (don't even ask how that happened- it still blows my mind) and people I didn't even know smiled and asked me when I was due? How perfect is that?
How perfect is it, for you, that I haven't eaten in two weeks outside of half of a dinner and toast for breakfast because if I eat anything more than that I will barf it up everywhere? Is that perfect enough for you? How perfect is it for you that I am registered for 17 credits this semester, classes start in five days and I have only read for ONE class because I am so tired I cannot read to comprehend more than two pages at a time? Tell me, wise one. How perfect is that for you???
But I didn't say any of those things. I smiled and I simply said, "I think its important to remember that we all have our things we worry about." And I simply left it at that.
Can we just stop? Can we just stop assuming that someone else's life is perfect? It's not, okay? Its really, really not. No, I might not gain an insane amount of weight when I get pregnant and you might. Guess what that means? That means that you get to eat whereas I don't- AND I LIKE TO EAT. And no- since you asked me (she actually asked)- I do NOT think its appropriate to stop eating ON PURPOSE when you are pregnant because you don't like the way your thighs look. Seriously? SERIOUSLY??
Get over it. Get over if you don't like the way you look in your pants. Either get some new pants, go to the gym, or learn to love yourself. Nobody can do that for you. And, I promise- you are the ONLY person who is finding flaws in your body. No one else is even looking. They simply aren't. You just aren't that important to the world. No- I didn't notice the "cottage cheese on your thighs" and quite frankly I am quite uncomfortable that you are asking me to judge you that way- I simply won't do it.
Stop comparing yourself to other women- no, they don't have it better than you. They just have it DIFFERENT than you.
Go stand in front of that mirror and tell yourself how beautiful you are. Because, quite frankly, you are.
Comments
Post a Comment