Those Eyes
My pregnant friend Danielle- the one with the same due date as me- came home the other day and cancelled our playdate with the kids. She had gotten vaccines and was tired, I explained to the kids. "What are vaccines?" Colton asked, "Why are they important?" I explained what they were, how they were helpful, and why people get them. I explained that when a Mommy is pregnant, sometimes there are some vaccines she needs to get in order to protect the baby too.
His eyes clouded. He took a very long pause.
"Did you get vaccines when you were pregnant with our baby?" He looked at me, his eyes questioning, hungry for understanding.
"No buddy. I didn't."
His eyes darkened- not with anger, but with sadness, and confusion. "But...why not???" I crouched down so we were at eye level. "Because pal. It wasn't time yet. There are certain things you do at certain times for the health of the baby. Had it been the right time, I would have gotten them."
His eyes watered and filled with pain. We continued our walk through the park and he reached up to hold my hand. I knew what he was thinking, but I knew he adored me too much to voice it out loud. He blamed me. He blamed me for not getting vaccinations, and he wanted to know if that is the reason the baby died. I waited a minute as we walked in silence before I asked.
"Colton? Do you think that the reason the baby died is because I didn't get vaccinations like Danielle?"
The water finally cascaded down his cheeks and he shook his head up and down, looking down at the ground, ashamed he could even think of such a thing.
"Sweetheart. I didn't get the vaccinations because it was too early. Even getting the vaccinations would not have helped. The baby didn't die because of something I did, or didn't do, or something anyone else did, or didn't do. The baby died because there was something terribly wrong. I promise you that I go to the doctor when I am supposed to. I promise you that I do everything that I am supposed to do and that I don't do any of the things I am not supposed to do. I promise you that this is no one's fault. Sometimes it just happens, okay?"
He stepped into me and just hugged me, his little face nuzzled in my neck, his arms wrapped tight.
"I just don't understand though." He said.
"I know pal. Some things in life aren't meant to be understood. They are meant as an experience and they are meant for you to grow, okay? Sometimes, we just have to pick ourselves up, recognize that we will never understand, and move on. Okay?"
He smiled at me and once again looked at me with those eyes of adoration. For the moment, the blame is gone. Though I am certain one day it will return.
His eyes clouded. He took a very long pause.
"Did you get vaccines when you were pregnant with our baby?" He looked at me, his eyes questioning, hungry for understanding.
"No buddy. I didn't."
His eyes darkened- not with anger, but with sadness, and confusion. "But...why not???" I crouched down so we were at eye level. "Because pal. It wasn't time yet. There are certain things you do at certain times for the health of the baby. Had it been the right time, I would have gotten them."
His eyes watered and filled with pain. We continued our walk through the park and he reached up to hold my hand. I knew what he was thinking, but I knew he adored me too much to voice it out loud. He blamed me. He blamed me for not getting vaccinations, and he wanted to know if that is the reason the baby died. I waited a minute as we walked in silence before I asked.
"Colton? Do you think that the reason the baby died is because I didn't get vaccinations like Danielle?"
The water finally cascaded down his cheeks and he shook his head up and down, looking down at the ground, ashamed he could even think of such a thing.
"Sweetheart. I didn't get the vaccinations because it was too early. Even getting the vaccinations would not have helped. The baby didn't die because of something I did, or didn't do, or something anyone else did, or didn't do. The baby died because there was something terribly wrong. I promise you that I go to the doctor when I am supposed to. I promise you that I do everything that I am supposed to do and that I don't do any of the things I am not supposed to do. I promise you that this is no one's fault. Sometimes it just happens, okay?"
He stepped into me and just hugged me, his little face nuzzled in my neck, his arms wrapped tight.
"I just don't understand though." He said.
"I know pal. Some things in life aren't meant to be understood. They are meant as an experience and they are meant for you to grow, okay? Sometimes, we just have to pick ourselves up, recognize that we will never understand, and move on. Okay?"
He smiled at me and once again looked at me with those eyes of adoration. For the moment, the blame is gone. Though I am certain one day it will return.
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