You're Welcome.

I saw this posted today and I feel the need to comment.  This kind of thing really gets me all riled up. Could we please stop feeling "guilty" or making other moms/dads feel guilty from being human?  This should be called "Badass Mom Bingo" and it fits me perfectly. And here's why:

We had pizza for dinner because, 1: I'm Italian so get over it, pizza is a food group and 2: it's Friday and I worked my tail off all week long making sure I got you and your other half dressed, fed, to the bus on time, picked up from school, homework completed, fed for dinner, bathed so you don't smell like a funk crusted stink rat, laid in bed with you and listened to your 18 billion stories about God only knows what because truth be told I wasn't listening, but rather saying a timed "uh huh.... great!" every 30 seconds ago, meanwhile in reality thinking about the 1800 other things I had to do before I went to bed, then stayed up for another five hours doing work for law school only to get up and start all over again the next day- and I'm TIRED.  Yet I still feed you dinner.  You're welcome.

I yelled at you because you probably did something insanely stupid and probably darn near killed yourself or your other half.  You know what?  Whether you like it or not, you canNOT wrap a jumprope around your sister's neck, after you've hog tied her, and attempt to swing her by her throat from your loft bed "just to see what happens."  I'll tell you what happens.  You go to JAIL.  Pfft.  And you're upset I yelled.  Wait 'till orange is your new pink my friend.  That's right- my boy's favorite color is pink.  Because real men wear pink. You're welcome.

I used a TV as a babysitter because I needed you to be entertained while I fired that nanny that was off her absolute rocker and, in case of fire, would have put you in the elevator to get downstairs faster.  What's that?  You'd rather burn alive?  Yeah, I didn't think so.  You're welcome.

Yoga pants and bed head at pick up?  I wore pants to pick you up, didn't I?  You're welcome.

Your baby book is incomplete because I actually spend time playing with you.  And taking you to the doctor.  And changing your diaper.  And teaching you to read. And singing to you.  And taking you to visit every single person in your entire family every freaking day of my life.  You're welcome.

I didn't "fail to cherish every moment today."  I purposefully blocked most of them out.  Do I want to remember tomorrow that today you asked me 500,000 times if you could please have some more soda even though I politely told you no 500,001 times?  Do you REALLY want me to carry that over until tomorrow?  Do you REALLY want me to remember that you pitched a fit because I wouldn't let you lasso your sister and drag her through the living room?  I don't- because if I do, I will wake up tomorrow thinking I have to call CPS.  Do you want them to come take you away so you never see me again?  You're welcome.

Birthday party wasn't pinterest worthy.  Well, let's be honest.  Your birthday parties ARE pinterest worthy.  You're welcome.

I buy non organic produce for several reasons: 1- I do not have the time, to go searching for organic produce 2- do you want to do karate and ballet?  or do you want me to spend $8,000 extra a month on buying you a fruit basket? 3- I never had organic anything and I'm fine. 4- I'm building up your immune system so that way, one day, when no more food exists, you can actually eat a bottle of pesticides and gain nutrients from it.  You're welcome.  

I work outside the home so that at the end of the day I don't have to lie to you when I say, "I'm so happy to see you."  Let's be honest.  There's only so much time you can spend with a person before you just want to rip your eyes out.  We both still have eyes.  You're welcome.

We have high fructose corn syrup in the house because that's what you need on pancakes and its delicious.  Are you telling me you don't want pancakes?  I didn't think so.  You're welcome.  

I had both sushi and wine after conception.  Sushi because it is tasty, you liked it in utero, and there's no reason why I can't have it.  Wine because, have you ever been pregnant before??? That crap is exhausting and stressful!  How about you walk around with an alien life form taking over your body, causing you to shrink in places you shouldn't and grow in places you didn't think could and tell me you don't need to kick one back every now and then!  Plus, it's not like I was doing body shots and the local bar.  Studies have proven children born to anxious moms have an increased chance of depression.  Do you want to be depressed your whole life because I couldn't relax?  Plus, one of you was reading by age 2 and the other by age 3 and you were both multiplying by the time you were 5.  You're clearly fine.  You're welcome.  

This potty trained thing.  You know- this really boils my blood.  I was told that my boy was going to be so hard to potty train and that girls are much easier.  Guess what?  Thanks to some other genius mom's "Three day potty training method," at age 2 for both kids, the girl was potty trained in 9 days (it was our first go around) and the boy was trained in 3 days.  Have a little faith in your sons, would ya?  Gender equality people, gender equality.  You're welcome.  

I was on my phone at the park because you asked me no less than 4,000 times if you could have a playdate with your friend after school the next day.  What?  Was I supposed to telepathically ask their mother about said playdate?  If you don't want me on my phone, STOP ASKING ME TO DO THINGS FOR YOU!!! You're welcome.

Your car seat faces forward because you don't learn ANYTHING from staring at the back seat.  By placing you with a view, there are a bajillion things to look at and talk about, thus increasing your vocabulary, creativity, speaking skills, listening skills, etc.  Basically your car seat makes you a prodigy.  You're welcome.  

I forgot class picture day because one kid was throwing up, chata crapped on the carpet, I was figuring out how to structure my paper for legal rhetoric while at the same time making you breakfast and reminding your father to leave me the car for ballet and figuring out what to eat for dinner.  Yet you made it to school on time.  You're welcome.  

I won't buy you a puppy because YOU ALREADY HAVE A DOG.  And guess what?  I won't buy you a pig either that you called me crying about while I was at a meeting at the United Nations and had to step out to console you.  Are you FREAKING KIDDING ME?  What, so I have another being's bottom to clean???  If we get another pet, one of you would have to go.  Do you want me to give you up for adoption?  I didn't think so.  You're welcome. 

You know a four letter word because you have friends and I cannot control them, or allllllllll the dirty things they teach you.  Plus, you lived in NY at the time- gotta learn how to stand up for yourself.  You want to get walked over and have people think you're a pansy?  Woman up.  You're welcome.  

I threw away your artwork because, quite frankly, it wasn't any good.  What.... I'm supposed to hang up a picture of what you call a rocket but actually looks like your "twig and berries" if you know what I mean?  Do you really want all your friends thinking you are a terrible artist AND that we hang up pictures of your man business all over our apartment?  People would think you were a freak.  You DO want friends, don't you???  You're welcome.  

I gave you a Happy Meal for lunch because you were hungry so I fed you.  Plus McDonald's says that now they use real chicken.  Don't really know what that means they were feeding us before but still.  You're welcome.  

I had an epidural because 1- everyone should have an epidural at some point in life, its simply amazing and 2-I wanted to enjoy childbirth rather than wishing someone would shoot me between the eyes.  Do you want a mother wishing more than anything on earth that the moment you were brought into this world would just hurry up and be done?  I cherished you in that moment- not for the one year, one month, and eleven days afterwards where you cried for 5-6 hours a day for no known reason to ANY medical professional that I took you to upwards of 35 times because I was POSITIVE there was something wrong with you.  But in that moment, I did.  You're welcome.  

Still haven't lost the baby weight?  Well, at this I chuckle.  Thanks to the first one of you, I had a horrific child birthing experience and actually weighed less going out of the hospital than I did before I even got pregnant.  But, in case you're asking, I still haven't lost those hemorrhoids or sagging tetas you gave me.  But that's not what we are talking about here (plus thanks Victoria Secret for making nursing mom's boobs look hot!!) and aren't you glad I shared?  You're welcome.  

I did discontinue breastfeeding you less than one year because you didn't want it.  I was being respectful of your wishes because I value you and your needs and wants as an actual person.  You're welcome.  

I didn't read to you today because I took you to the pool where we fished for frogs, wasps, bees and beetles (yea for aquatics and wildlife!).  We talked about where they came from, how they live and what if we were to eat them (yea biology!)?  We played tea party and sang and danced (hooray for performing arts!).  I took you outside so you could play in the treehouse, to the trampoline so you could figure out how hard to jump before you knock over my best friend's baby and make him cry (yea physics!).  I took you to pet the horses, see the chickens, and look for cow paddies (way to go agriculture!).  You cooked with your Abuelita and talked about the pulley system you are going to build with your Papo between the two tree houses (hello engineering!).  We looked for treasure and talked about all the different places we could hide it (yea for stealing!).  I didn't read to you today, but I did give you adventures.  You're welcome.  

Sometimes I hide in the bathroom because you drive me crazy.  I love you, but you drive me absolutely bat s* crazy.  By hiding in the bathroom I teach you to self monitor and learn your limits.  I teach you that when someone is driving you so crazy that all you want to do is throttle them Homer Simpson style, that you take a step back and go collect yourself.  Do you WANT to be Bart in this scenario?  You're welcome.  

I occasionally give you screen time because I don't want you to be weird.  When you were little, your friends would talk about characters and you had no idea what they were.  It's fine when you're three and you don't know who Barney is, but when you're 13 and you don't know who the equivalent of the Justin Beiber of your time (yeah.... in kindergarten you told your friends excitedly that you DID in fact know who Justin Beaver was.......), you won't have any friends.  You DO want friends, don't you?    You're welcome.  

What I am trying to say is- to my fellow moms, stop feeling guilty that you are not measuring up to some ridiculous standard that no one can possible compete with.  And when people create charts like this- you should remind them that they have an inner goddess and that she should be celebrated.  

So cheers- to all the moms who yelled at their kids today so that their children didn't break their necks jumping off the roof with construction paper wings, thinking they could literally fly.